YOU KNOW YOU HAVE HOS

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE HOS (Horse Obsession Syndrome) WHEN:

When you have to do a report for Animal Science, your teacher automatically marks you down for Horse.
You routinely skip school participate in horse events, even though you absolutely love school (yea right).
Your barn is cleaner than your room.... no matter what.
Your clothes and hair are always messy, but your horse and tack are always clean.
When people walk slowly, you start clucking/clicking to press them on.
Every time a horse related event is brought up, every one starts looking at you.
You can translate horse height from hands to inches but you can’t understand geometry.
The word “stop” has been removed from your vocabulary and is now replaced with a universal “whoa”.
You watch a cow break into a canter and watch to see if it is on the right lead.
When walking behind your dog he stops, you cluck then say "trot", and he responds.
You feel more comfortable in riding boots than tennis shoes.
Every fantasy involves horses.
You visualize jumping when ridding a 4-wheeler down or jumping a small steep hill.
You tolerate a horse stepping on your foot and pushing you more than you would a person.
You go to a fair and head straight for the horse barn (even when you don't have a horse there).
You love the smell of a sweaty horse but no of a sweaty person.
You kill mosquitoes and other insects with your bare hands without going "oh gross".
Flies on all your personal belongings are just a fact of life.
You wonder why people stare at you when you walk in to a room after riding.
Your horse’s polo wraps and saddle pad are color coordinated but your socks are not.
To you, Seabiscuit is NOT a funny name.
You can't figure out the weird looks you get when talking about breastplates.
You can talk about sheath cleaning without cracking a smile.
You've eaten horse treats for dinner.
You've eaten bran...and it tastes good.
You've convinced everyone in a ten mile radius that horseback riding IS a sport.
You use show sheen, horse shampoo, clear hoof polish, and mane and tail brushes on yourself. If it's good enough for the horse, it's good enough for you.
You scratch your own back with the curry comb while you're grooming your horse.
You have found that equine show glitter works just as well in your hair as your horse's!
You douse yourself with fly spray before going out to the barn.
You don't care who's around when you have to spit out horse hair or bugs.
You tell people that your husband's red hair is 'chestnut with flaxen'.
You start judging men by horse breeds..."gals...go with a draft breed, and stay clear of those Arabs!"
Your horse got new shoes six weeks ago and you got new shoes two years ago.
Your horse gets four supplements every feeding and you're lucky if you remember your daily vitamin.
Your horse regularly sees his doctor and dentist, while you keep putting off your next appointment.
You "have" to stop and look at every horse you see.
Someone says you smell like a horse and you don't care, or worse yet, you secretly smile.
You are frequently caught wearing shavings in your hair and/or leaving a trail of mud from your boots.
All of your pockets are full of hay chaff.
Your horse has more hair care products than you do.
You don't blink twice at the price of new horse blankets, but wouldn't think of spending that much on a coat for yourself.
Your horse eats his meals before your husband gets his.
You celebrate your horse's birthday by posting a card on his stall and baking him a cake.
You scheme and scrimp to get enough money to afford the next horse show.
You feel inclined to get down and "smell" hay bales.
You count shavings, feed and wormer as fixed expenses.
When you are driving along the road and you see a nice green spot of grass, you think " mmmm...". this empty fields is a waste of good horse space and plan out how you would set up a barnyard.
Your horse has tasted your favorite foods.
Before you eat them.
you change lanes while driving and your "inside" leg moves to apply pressure.
you click to your dog.
you click to your friends.
your daughter's birth announcement reads: "it's a filly!"
you've taught your dog to longe.
there is at least one saddle in your living room.
you wonder if Hoofmaker doubles as a moisturizer.
while jogging, your "inside" leg extends farther to help you balance.
you think the 5th fairway would make a great galloping lane.
while walking your dog, you hold the leash like a rein.
you post over speed bumps.
you half-halt your dog while out walking.
you explain to your child's pediatrician that you knew the child was sick because he was off his feed.
you show up in city clothes dressed for appointments and when you get there people reach over the breakfast table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.
you're trying to get by a co-worker in a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them instead.
no one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and purses...but that's ok because then you'd have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them, anyway!
your spouse does something nice for you and you say "good boy" or "atta girl" and pat him/her on the neck.
your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more then you love him and you answer: "And your point is?"
you are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food.
you consider a pristine golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
you buy duct tape by the case, and carry rolls in your pocketbook, your briefcase, and the console of your car.
you plan your pregnancy around the show season so you can send your horse to your dressage instructor for training during the eighth and ninth months.
you dress like a lawyer on weekdays and someone who needs a lawyer on your days off.
you pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,700 pickup truck.
you seriously consider trading your 1996 Buick for a 1988 Diesel crewcab dually pickup truck, even swap.
you realize that finding a horse shoe truly is lucky because you've saved ten bucks.
your trying to get by a co-worker in a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me"to him/her, you cluck at them instead.
you say "whoa" to the dog.
you say "whoa" to your kids.
you say "whoa" to your truck.
your spouse brings the new saddle to bed so it can be worked on it while watching TV.
you see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician.
your horse gets new shoes more often than you.
you put a gun rack in your pickup truck to carry dressage whips and riding crops.
for once you have extra money to buy yourself something, and you get the check out counter and decide that you don't really need that shirt anyway. That $25 could be an entry fee!
the real estate agent asks what kind of house you are looking for, and you say, "More than six acres."
you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift. "They really cared!!!"
you actually like all horse items, any horse items, regardless of execution.
you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
you actually get to a point where flies don't bother you so much.
your horse gets more compliments for grooming than you do.
you've considered moving into the barn, since it is cleaner than the house.
your spouse hangs around the barn hoping to get a massage when you've finished on your horse.
you go to the museum with a non-horsy friend and, whilst wandering through the ancient bronzes, suddenly realize he is asking exasperatedly, 'Well? What about the conformation on this one?"
you run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder if they need to be floated.
you can find your boots in the dark by the aroma.
you leave work feeling stiff, tense, with a stomach- or headache, and all those feelings disappear the minute you go through the first gate to the ranch.
you hate posing for pictures unless you're on your horse.
you spend a lot of $ on a trip to Europe and end up spending most of your time watching horses.
you chirp to, cluck to or spur your truck/car.
the concept of sleeping in on the weekends has long since faded from your memory.
you don't have to be asked by your non-horsy family what you want for Christmas anymore...they now get their own horse catalogs.
you keep a spare curb chain in your purse for emergencies.
the family photos are in the bedroom; the horse photos in the den.
the board check is paid before any other bill.
your instructor and vet are the only non-family on your speed-dial.
you always have new foal pictures in your wallet.
the photo Christmas cards feature the horses.
you have memorized the addresses of your breed association and AHSA.
you've spent so much time at the boarding stable that people think you're the maintenance man.
you wear NASCAR baseball caps to horse shows so people won't ask you questions that you can't answer.
you coax your horse into the trailer with a carrot, give him a bite, and walk out finishing it yourself. (family germ theory apparently extends to horses).
every log / yard fence / flower garden / etc. looks like a good fence.
your dog jumps something and you sigh, "her knees were uneven!"
you count how many steps (strides) you take in between the cracks in the sidewalk, the shadows of trees, etc.
you count strides to the beat of the music in your car and pretend that the telephone poles are the jumps.
You look at all the piles of laundry sitting next to your Washing machine and most of them are breeches, horse blankets, saddle pads, etc... plus you don't even care about the horsey hair residue that will be left in the washer/dryer.
Your husband brings the new saddle to bed so he can work on it while watching TV.
You trade your yuppie mobile for a truck, so you can better accommodate your horses.
You see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician.
The floor plan of the house you're building accommodates a horse lifestyle.
You clean a horse's sheath and don't hurl.
You groom your horse and you haven't been to a beautician in ?
Your horse gets new shoes more often than you.
Your secretary does a "hay check" on your suit each morning and your first stop in the office is the ladies room to remove the shavings from your shoes.
You patch your mud boots with duct tape and slog through knee deep mud to get hay to your horse, who has commandeered the ONLY dry spot for miles.
You get up at 5am every morning while your in college, drive 10 miles to the barn, feed, muck stalls, ride, and rush back to your 10am class smelling like a barn without complaining.
You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food
You know you are a horse AND a dog person when you don't mind throwing the frozen manure balls for the barn's goldie to fetch!
You buy about 15 lbs. of carrots a week, but wouldn't eat a carrot if somebody paid you.
Your non-horsy friend gives you a funny look after glancing into the back seat of your car, and you realize he's noticed your whips and spurs.
You pass up attractive social invitations because they'd conflict with your lesson schedule.
The back of your station wagon is an auxiliary tack box.
You choose your SO partly on the basis of his attachment to your horses.
Your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and the dog.
You don't even want to think about how your car would be paid for, your mortgage would be much smaller, and you might have some savings if you didn't have horses.
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You know you're a horse person when you buy land and decide to build the barn before the house so your horses have a place to stay. Then you move into the barn yourself and forget about the house.
You know you're a horse person when you talk about having a baby and people give you a really strange look and say, I didn't know you were pregnant. Oops, it's the four legged kind.
You give directions to your house and say, "It has lots of horse trailers in the front yard."
You pull change from your pocket at work, and hay falls all over.
Someone says, "Does anyone have a screwdriver?" and you hand them a hoofpick.
The doctor says the bump on your finger is an inflamed tendon sheath, and you tell him, "Oh, you mean a windpuff."
You cannot imagine why anyone would think it kinky to own whips.
The real estate agent asks what kind of house you are looking for, and you say, "More than six acres."
For once you have extra money to buy yourself something, and you get the check out counter and decide that you don't really need that shirt anyway. That $25 could be an entry fee!
I was gonna say "the horses get fed first." but around my house it's "the horses are the only ones that get fed by me. Kids fend for themselves."
you save the hoof shavings for the dog.
you poke your honey in the ribs, saying, "over", in the kitchen.
you clean your tack after *every* ride but never ever wash the car.
you have the worming, lesson and farrier schedules in your head, but frequently miss the kid's piano lessons, girl scouts, or changing the oil in the car.
you yell at the kids, and the horse's name pops out.
on rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
your tax refund is targeted to a new saddle, not the family vacation.
you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift. "They really cared!!!"
you actually like all horse items, any horse items, regardless of execution.
you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references are incorrect.
you actually get to a point where flies don't bother you so much.
you use the house-hunting trip your new employer provides to figure out where you will board your horse.
you often sneak furtively into Laundromats and pretend that you really didn't just put that stinky, filthy horse blanket into the comforter-sized machine.
you run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder if they need to be floated.
you go to the museum with a non-horsey friend and, whilst wandering through the ancient bronzes, suddenly realize he is asking exasperatedly, 'Well? What about the conformation on this one?"
ALL of your pockets have hay in them.
You have a small knife on your key chain (and you're a woman)
You buy more carrots & apples than you can possibly eat.
You plan corn on the cob for dinner just so you can feed the cobs to your horses for a treat
The highlight of your day is working with your horses and your SO works by your side cuz its the highlight of his day too
You have more pictures of your horses in your office than you have of your family.
You build a garage that you're going to live in while you build the house, build a barn instead, and still live in a 1 room house after 11 years of marriage and (somewhat) gainful employment. Just wish my barn was something to brag about
You leave work feeling stiff, tense, with a stomach- or headache, and all those feelings disappear the minute you go through the first gate to the ranch.
You open the door to the closet where you keep your boots and the aroma of manure wafts out.
You can find your boots in the dark by the aroma.
You drive up in the yard, get out of the car and inhale the perfume of the manure pile.
You talk to the horses like they were kids.
All your stock has 4 legs.
The only picture of you that your wife (husband, SO, whatever) has of you shows you on your horse.
You hate posing for pictures unless you're on your horse.
You spend a lot of $ on a trip to Europe and end up spending most of your time watching horses.
You chirp to, cluck to or spur your truck/car.
You say whoa to your truck/car.
You don't notice the barn smells on your clothes/shoes and wonder why "regular" folks are sniffing the air
Most of your social life is with other horse folk.
Cooky McClung's stories in The Chronicle of the Horse, however humorously told they might be, sound like a "normal" life.
You get so mad that you can't get cable TV out at your farm that you put in a satellite dish just so you can get more horse sports coverage
you have a _terrible_ fall off your horse, and your only concern is if the horse is okay. (And when you get dragged into the hospital, you have a hairline fracture in your leg. Trust me, I know!)
all of your favorite stories involve all your falls off horses, and other near death experiences and you actually LAUGH about the time you got dragged around the field by a spooked horse!
You buy more carrots in five pound bags and lament because they don't come in 10 pound bags.
You buy watermelon when you don't even like watermelon so that you can give it to your horses.
You spend more time ridding in your truck going to horse events than you spend at home.
The only pictures in your office have are of your horses.
The concept of sleeping in on the weekends has long since faded from your memory.
You known more about equine nutrition than human nutrition and it shows.
You get to the checkouts at the grocery and the only things you're buying are 5 gallons of corn oil and 10 pounds of carrots. Oh and maybe a frozen burrito if you have enough money left
All of your clothes have horsehair on them, even if they've never been worn to the barn.
You keep a horse Grooma by the front door, to get the horsehair off of your Levis after riding bareback.
You're buying clothes, and you choose them on the basis of whether you can wash horse slobber/manure out of them.
You grump at your husband for eating so much of the apple crop, for fear there won't be enough left to last the horses until next year.
You live with electric fencing tape around the lawn, so the horses can mow it for you.
You've got a perpetually skinned place on your knuckles or the heel of your hand, from when the hoof rasp/pick slips.
Folks ask incredulously how many horses you have, because your bulletin board at work is covered with 10 pictures of each horse and only a couple of your spouse or your kids (human, canine, or feline).
You've forgotten what a vacation is, because you spend all your paid time off (re)building fence, meeting the vet, going to shows, etc.
You're about to petition the Town Board and the County Commissioners to grant you a variance to build a larger building than the zoning laws allow. Where else is one s'posed to ride in bad weather? ( ) $20,000 just to have a place to ride????)
You don't try to figure out your to-date-expenses for the critters, cuz you don't want to know, and it doesn't matter. (It's the same with flying)
You get out of your warm bed at 3:00 AM, and go outside to let the horses in cuz it's snowing (that wet, heavy stuff). If that's not enough, you scrape off the snow, and even dry them off a little, before going back to bed. (Only to leave for work at 6, and see them back outside, with 2 inches of snow piled on their backs. No, *that* won't happen again.)
Your breezeway/mud room has hay & crud all over the floor, a saddle on a rack along the wall, misc. tack hanging from the chairs, muddy boots & gloves, etc. lying about. Someone's coming to visit. You don't care.
After it snows, the pathway to the manure pile is the first thing that gets cleared, then the front porch and sidewalk.
You aren't interested in watching the news, but have to, in order to catch the weather, so you know if the barn needs to be left open for the horses.
Supper time is generally at 8PM, and everyone has been home since before 5.
You RUSH to the front window to watch the horses run & buck in the pasture, even if you're in the middle of a meal. Good, clean fun!
You trade your nice, nearly-new Suburban for a 1-ton 4x4 pickup, so you can haul hay & straw for the critters. (And have that 454 engine for pulling the trailer up those looooong hills.)
Not sure I should be admitting to this: You find hay in your bed too :*)
you launder your stable clothes before your work clothes (tho' sometimes the categories overlap).
you'd rather stay up with a friend's sick horse than baby-sit her kids. BUT
you will baby-sit a friend's kids while she stays up with a sick horse, even though you HATE babysitting.
you go on a diet for your horse's sake, but not your SO's.
you giggle when the horse you're driving farts in your face.
You know you're a horse person when a new friend walks in your door for the first time. Takes a smell and says with a smile, "I didn't know you had horses." ;)
When your bicycle is mostly used as a bridle and saddle rack.
The only thing your friends, colleagues, passing acquaintances can think of when they see you is "How are the horses?" or "How many horses do you have now?" or "Are you still riding?"
you get knocked down and split you lip wide open on the horses halter because you were doing something you KNOW you shouldn't have been doing, and with blood running down your face your first concern is making sure the horse is alright, calmed down, and put in his stall. Then you go to the hospital for stitches.
You take your notes to the barn and study for midterms while brushing your horse and you know you're a HORSE PERSON WHEN You see Tracey brushing her horse and studying for midterms, and you just nod to yourself: "of course."
You spend more on that 6 year old jumper than you've EVER spent on a car!
You get your income tax refund and the first thing you do is head for the tack shop.
You go on a diet, not to be more attractive, but to be a better rider.
Co-workers start pointing out green slobber or straw on your clothes. You solution is to start wearing exclusively "hunter green".
Every time you go to the stable, it takes 3 hours and you can't imagine where the time went.
Your first sign of spring isn't see a robin, but seeing a fly.
You get a little whiff of manure smell and breathe deeper to get the full impact. That goes double for the smell of leather.
when your horse has its mane pulled more often than you get a hair cut.
When you buy lime and grass seed instead of the clothes you need for other work.
one of your favorite smells in the world is horse sweat on leather
you are riding a bike and tell it "whoa" when you stop
after you just got stepped on, and a non-horse person asks you if you are alright, and you say "what"? not realizing what they are talking about.
you tell a friend that you have to get home to feed your horse, which you do. this done while your own stomach growls, because you haven't eaten all day. you than decide it won't take that much longer to clean a few stalls.
you can't remember the word "heel" but instead refer to it as your "hock" (this is also done with other "parts" of the body, etc)
you are one of the few people around that can fix "things" being used to repairing fences, etc that you horses have taken down.
When you find shavings and hay in your pants
When you use horse products for yourself (shampoo) because you can only afford one or the other and you know shampoo for humans is not recommend for horses.
When you are down and depressed and you go and talk to your best friend YOUR HORSE .
You go to the gas station and ask the attendant to check the air in the "off hind" (and you know you're in Portola Valley when the young man immediately walks to the right rear tire!)
You live hand to mouth and somehow come up with the $800 for emergency vet bills.
a non-horsey co-worker asks how your horse is and you think: "she's not doing very well since you just changed to a milder bit but you want to give her a chance to get used to it.", and you say "Fine." Because you know if you say what you are REALLY thinking, by the time you're done, your co-worker will be sitting there with a blank look on her face.
You don't think that weather is just casual conversation. It is very important so that you can figure out your horse's wardrobe for the day/night.
your house is "decorated" with bits, saddles, bridles, halters, blanket racks, trunks, trophies and ribbons.
there are bits soaking in your bathroom sink.
you save every horse magazine you have ever bought.
you show up at work with bran mash (unbeknownst to you) all over the back of your coat.
your car is the only one in the company parking lot with mud splashes on the windshield.
your car is the only one in the company parking lot that has an inch of dust INSIDE and when you open the door, a swarm of flies emerge.
you drive by ANY field ANYWHERE and look very hard for horses. This includes trips to foreign countries.
your horse gets vitamins and supplements everyday and you can't remember to take vitamins yourself.
you can't make it to work because of bad weather, but somehow still make it to the barn.
you feel tired all day at work and then go to the barn and ride 3 horses.
you can pinpoint anything you might need in 2 seconds in your tack trunk but seem to have misplaced this month's electric bill.
the first bills you pay each month are all horse related. You don't really *need* a phone anyway (unless you have to call the vet -- oops, better pay that one).
You know you're a hunter/jumper/ct person when: you count how many steps (strides) you take in between the cracks in the sidewalk, the shadows of trees, etc. You also know you're a h/j/ct person if you count strides to the beat of the music in your car and pretend that the telephone poles are the jumps (OK, now I'm showing my compulsive behavior).
You kick the car floor to make it go.
Your mother has a run in the bottom of her hose and you tell her she has a split hoof. (My husband did this, not me.)
You teach your little brother to skip by getting him to "canter", then "switch leads" until he's doing one-tempi flying changes (skipping!).
your car skids on the ice, you try to leg yield it away from the ditch and onto the road. And it works.
You know you ride sidesaddle when: it's easier to drive stick, because you get to use your LEFT leg, too. And your right hand moves the "cane" (gear shift). it's easier to sit on the sofa's arm than the cushions. you walk into an antique store, see a fake hair bun, and think how useful that would be if you ever got your hair cut.
you teach your sisters how to post on the arm of the couch before their first riding lesson.
You longe your dog and she listens to you.
Your baby shower gifts include a fleece seat saver.
You do stalls the morning before your labor is to be induced.
When the doctor tells you that they have to do a c-section your first question (much to your spouses horror) is how long will it be until I can ride? (and you are devastated when he says 6 weeks)
Yer boss says "Gooood God! Are horses *all* you ever think about?! I mean yaour whole life is surrounded by that dang horse. All your money, time, vacation, friends, lunch breaks (trips to the tack store;*)), even the vehicle that you drive. Man, its worse than being married!) And I just sit back and smile and say, "Yep, now if I could only find a man who was as fanatical about them as me!"
And when ya don't have to be asked by your non-horsey family what you want for Christmas anymore, cuz they now get their own Horse catalogs.
and when your neighbors who have horses as pasture ornaments think your nuts to ride after work in the winter when its 25 degrees out, in the dark, and come spring, there full of envy cuz your horse is in shape on those sunny weekend days and you can ride for hours, and they can't cuz there critters are balls of fat and fur!
You learn you will go on a trip driving from Mass. to New Hampshire and the first thing that pops to your mind is: "Yes, I will finally be able to visit State Line Tack"
you know your spouse has accepted you as a horse person when he who can't stand more than one hour at the mall tells you that there should be a two hours time limit to your visiting State Line Tack.
Your "weekend away" with your SO is a trip to the trainer's farm for a lesson (just a quick note...Monte's passed his 30 day assessment and "I" start riding this weekend :*) )
Your truck looks like a bomb exploded in a tack shop
When your "on the road again" and you leave a trail of shavings (out of your shoes) across the expensive plush carpet in the hotel room and don't feel guilty about it anymore (I did in the beginning, now I just don't care cause I'm too tired most of the time)
Your 4-yr old son "honks" the horn on the western saddle and you spend five minutes trying to explain the purpose of the horn
Your laundry consists of horse blankets, saddle pads, bandages, breeches, and lots and lots of dirty socks and everyone else in the house votes to appoint you with a "laundry day" after which you've got to clean out the machines 'cause no one else can stand the hair
You start a home-based business in order that you can quit your job and devote more time to showing and the horses )
You fastidiously groom and bathe your horses, but your truck looks like it was at the 4x4 mudruns
Your most prized possession is your saddles (next to the horses of course)
You spend your summer weekends travelling all over the country "on the campaign trail" and insist that the kids come with you even though they want to go to Marineland and you keep promising "after Regionals" but then your to dang tired to go to the effort of planning the trip to Marineland (I'm now planning a May/June trip to Marineland probably May, after the Spring Show and before Buckeye)
Your grocery list includes a 2 lb bag of carrots for the house and a 10 lb bag of carrots for the barn
when you're husband walks into the bedroom and sees you wearing your underwear and tall black boots and his only comment is "Oh, did the new boots finally arrive?"
you pass a Marlboro billboard and immediately notice the horse's color, conformation, possible breed, gait, tack, bit, expression, and whether or not his mouth is being yanked on; but all you notice about the cowboy was that it was some guy in a rain slicker.
you boyfriend gets worried when he overhears you talking to a friend: "And he had the cutest butt! I happened to be behind him for a while, and practically couldn't take my eyes off his butt. And he had really nice legs, and a real strong back, and nice shoulders, and *such* a pretty face! He came over to say hello once. What a handsome guy!" When you tell him that you were talking about a horse, he's not sure whether to be reassured or get even more worried. :-)
you watch "Brisco County Jr." just because of the horse, Comet.
you stay up until two in the morning walking a colicky horse whose name you don't know and whose owner you've never met.
you are in a meeting, and you say something in Command Voice, and someone asks you, "Do you train dogs, or something?"
when you start using baling twine to repair non-horse-related things
Your horse costs more than your truck or (if you're really committed) your house!!
When you'll spend money on new horse blankets before you get yourself a new winter coat.
You get all starry eyed over the new Millers catalogue instead of Victoria's Secret.
When your horse eats before your husband!!
When you call cramps a little colic.
When your horses, dogs, kids and husband all come to the same whistle!!
Your graphic designer asks you: 'What do you know about Acrobat?' and you answer 'The stallion?' and they reply: 'No the program that helps you to check PageMaker by E-mail on a Mac!'
when you go hiking or walking in the woods and you wonder why you're not riding. And you used to like hiking!
When you not only have a writer's callus, but thumb and finger calluses from pulling your horse's mane!(not to mention calluses on your palms where the reins rest!
when you reach into your pocket for your keys, and pull out a handful of hay, oats, and my favorite, rubber braiding bands !!
when the steering on your car starts to go out and all you can think about is how "stiff" the car is on one side...
When your ideal birthday weekend extravaganza consists of going to two days worth of horse shows.
The bus driver misses your stop and you cry out WHOA.
after hugging your husband he says "is that a carrot in your pocket or are you happy to see me!"
Well, you know when you're a horse person when the highlight of your workday is looking out the window at the mounted police walking through the park & remarking to a co-worker Wow! Look at that bay with AWESOME bushy tail with a blunt cut!
when you drive 14 miles out and back in the rain in the morning to blanket your horse and then forget to take an umbrella to work.
when you're at work and you say the dr. hasn't called me back yet, and your co-worker says, "You or the horse???"
your fellow office workers (all males) ask you to swap over the empty Aqua Vital mineral water bottle for a full one. They know darn well that you are only one who can lift a heavy 19 liter bottle (weighing in at a good 15 kgs or so) over your head AND aim it properly at the dispenser without spilling a drop! And you thought lugging those sacks of horse feed and emptying them into 44 gallon feed drums didn't have any side benefits???? Ptooey....
Your S.O. gives you a new pitch fork and a shovel for Christmas and you're thrilled and all your friend (except on E-L) think you're wacky.
Your truck dies in the coldest part of the winter and you pick up hay in your
when 10 messages on your mail download have the subject line "To Bang or Not to Bang", and you *know* that it is horse's tails under discussion.... My technical manager was aghast ... (he happened to be standing behind me when I did a mail download) ... I think his mind is in the gutter.... I had to open one message to show him how perfectly innocent I am :-)
You know you're a horse person when you post a subject of "To bang or not to bang" and never even think of any other meanings that those words could imply.
You try to book a seat at the Spanish Riding School BEFORE you buy your airline tickets - because you'd rather change all your other plans before missing that show!
You tell the kids to "walk-on" when crossing the road and tell them to go and "muck out" their bedrooms.
You click your tongue and shout "come on" when overtaking in the car.
you pull change out of your pocket together with a mixture of hay, pony nuts and shavings.
Your car boot (trunk) and seats are permanently covered in hay and feed.
You insist the wife washes the numnah's and rugs first not your own clothes.
you vault walls as if you were mounting bareback IN YOUR WEDDING GOWN :-)
when your horse thinks she's a dog, your dog thinks she's a cat, your cats think they are people, and you KNOW you were a horse in a former life.
you are shopping and place the big package between your knees to hold it so you can read the magazine with both hands. (and you know no one will think this is odd because your in a tack store)
You slice a divot out of your own hand cutting grass for the horses with a hand sickle. 7 stitches. No, I couldn't just let them graze instead....
YKYAHPW your first major accident happens because of a horse. I got 8 stitches because my horse threw his head up and ran my teeth through my bottom lip.
You have *animated* discussions with your pals about how to remove ticks from private parts...
You are eating lunch out and can continue to eat, not missing a mouthful, and discuss the surgery on a horses leg and all the awful details.
When you see any large vacant building, like a old walmart or kmart and think what a wonderful indoors arena it would make.
When you find dressage more interesting than show jumping.
When you wonder why people look at you funny when you tell them horse manure doesn't smell.
When the most sincere hugs you give are to your horse.
Hey- You know you're a horse person when someone sends you 400lbs of feed to sample!
you no longer believe bicycles belong on woody trails
you count strides to the crack in the sidewalk, and then step over it
the pockets of all your jackets are filled with used cigarette butts (I never drop them on the ground)
your friends and relatives stop asking when you're going to get married, and always ask how the horse is instead
you pay the board bill before your mortgage
you pay the farrier before the phone bill
you spend more time brushing your horse's mane and tail than you'd ever spend on your own hair
you horse has more kinds of shampoo and conditioner than you have
you never go away on vacation because you vacation 4x a week when you ride your horse.
you'll let your trainer yell at you, but will cut off your boss' head if he looks at you funny
you think they should outlaw air brakes on trucks
you're mad at the world, have a superior ride on your horse, then go home thinking the world is really a pretty great place.
You have more pictures of your horses in your office than your family members (and dogs, too!).
Your friends have to move your saddle or horse blanket out of the seat every time they get in your car.
Your employer understands and allows you to leave early because you have to meet the vet or the farrier.
When people ask you for your phone number, you start the list of numbers with your stables, then your car phone (for while you are in transit to the barn) and then your home phone number.
you have to have a cold supper because the kettle is cooking for a bran mash and the pan on the other ring is full of linseed.
you insist to your SO during a game of Scrabble that "oxer" is, too, a word, even if it ISN'T in the dictionary, and spend a good half-hour poring over horse books to find it in writing. (Not sure he was completely convinced, even after that.)
When you ask on election day how the mayor's race is going and he gives you a blank look then says "oh, I thought you meant a mare's race."
You are walking up the stairs to your office and you see a patch of mud on the stairs. On closer observation, it appears to have bits of hay and manure in it. You stop, look around to make sure nobody is around, and you pick it up and drop it to the very bottom of the stairwell where nobody ever goes... 'cause you just know it came from YOUR boots.
as you ride in your car, you evaluate fences and other obstacles for their jumpability. How's the footing on the approach and landing? What line would I take? How difficult does it look? etc., etc.
you estimate human conception dates based on an 11-month gestation period.
you drive over potholes and practice sitting the trot while your car shakes over the road
The sound of a hoof step or a whinny on the TV brings you dashing into the room. There you must stay until they show that horse again, and when they do you quickly analyse its breed, conformation, eye appeal, gender, attitude, level of training, and then decide if you would own it or not.
Every conversation you ever start, always seems to end up being about horses. eg.
victim: "What about this weather?"
you: "It really has been too cold out lately, although my horses like it" victim: "You have horses?"
you: "Sure I do! I have these two really sweet ones, their names are..."
And then you are in heaven because there is someone new to tell ALL about your horses :)
you cannot get up for work but wake up an hour too early to make it to the 7 am Hunter Pace
New horses appear in your pasture unannounced!
You have to duck around the saddle racks in the garage when you get out of the car!
You buy a pick up truck because you like them, and she puts a trailer hitch on it! (We don't even have a trailer anymore!)
Repairing the loft door is a higher priority than replacing the front porch!
You actually begin to talk 'baby' talk to that new colt, which you don't own YET, in your barn.
And the number one way to tell your wife is a horse person is...(drumroll)... You find yourself reading rec.equestrian at work and printing copies to take home to the wife!
You spend $515 plane fare, $314 rent-a-car, and stay at your former SO's in order to ride your horse for a week.
when you look at your clothes during an important presentation and realize the green tinge is left over from early morning blanketing duty...are those sniffs in your direction? never brush against the back half of those blankets!
You tell your small animal vet that your cat's flea bite dermatitis looks like rainrot.
You know you're *daughter* is a horse person when she asks if she can wash her saddle pad with her clothes, because she doesn't have a full load and doesn't want her brother's clothes contaminating hers.
you tell your patients to lift their withers.
you classify human students by breed type! :-)
you scan crowds of people at the mall and rate them as good, average, or bad movers...consider corrective shoeing for the obviously lame ones...
a night chatting with your horse and doing a mini-beauty treatment (mane pull, deep curry, hooficure) is the best fix for "da blues."
you practice transitions in the car during your commute, complete with seat aids and the occasional cluck to the car.
You keep a spare curb chain in your purse for emergencies
The family photos are in the bedroom; the horse photos in the den *The board check is paid before any other bill
Your instructor and vet are the only non-family on your speed-dial
You always have new foal pictures in your wallet
The photo Christmas cards feature the horses
You have memorized the addresses of your breed association and AHSA
your husband has absorbed so much horse terminology he refers to one of 'his' basketball team's players as 'coming up lame'.
The only remotely x-rated pic in your office is that of a gelding with his male member partly extended. ;-) Does wonders for the 'macho types' who think they're the greatest!
You know you're a horse person when you love them enough to let them go.
You tell a person "The mud was so deep it sucked the Tingley right off!" and wonder why they give you a strange look...
Your husband complains that he is not a horse when you back hand him when he bumps into you when walking in a store. I don't like pushy horses in the heard and have picked that one up. Bad habit.
on a icy winter road you tell the truck Whoa! as it goes to slid when you put on the brakes. Its worst yet when I yell Whoa at the driver's when I work Auto races and they go off course.
You're at the post office looking at the Santa and his Reindeer cutouts on the wall, and all you really think about is how all the reindeer are hanging their knees and they better get better form if they're going to continue this jumping thing!
You find it much easier to buy presents for you horsy friends than your non-horsey ones.
You hate shopping, but will drive 60 miles to check out a new tack shop.
Every item on your own list to Santa can be picked up at the tack shop or the grain store!
You are waiting in a parking lot and you see a vacant Food Lion grocery store. By the time your husband has got back to the car, you've figured a way to make an *awesome* indoor arena out of it.
You tell your husband he's going shopping because he needs to get shod.
You are browsing in a book store. You see a book call Quantum Leap. It takes a second for you to realize it's probably not about Grand Prix jumping especially given that you are looking in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section.
You're walking down the main street of your city and you step in a dried up pile of horse biscuits and you think nothing of it for about twenty steps, then it dawns on you and you wonder what a horse was doing downtown.
You take a corner just a tad too fast in your little sports car and you concentrate on not collapsing the inside hip...
People AND Horses send you messages asking for carrots, apples and equal rights for equines!!!
you have to hit the brakes on your truck *hard*, and you yell WHOA!
You move your horse to a beautiful new stable on a bright, clear October afternoon and when you turn him out in that big, grassy field, he takes a look around him and takes off a-runnin' and a-buckin' and a-fartin' like he had never been out of a stall before. He's jest a big ol' bay horse until he gets that TB blood fired up and then he looks like the cover of King of the Wind (the book you checked out so much in elementary school the librarian cut you off)--nostrils flared, coat gleaming in the crisp air, and he's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. When he's happy, he runs with his tail straight up in the air like an Arabian and your chest aches with happiness: this is the way it should be. He finds another TB and it's a match race!!!! I can get to the end of the field first, naahhh... When you get home, your SO asks you how the moving went. "Fine," you say, trying to think of the word that describes such a perfect moment. You give up. "Fine." That word doesn't exist in any language.
You use your mouse pad to pad the inside of the metal 'sling' of your horse's special 'fetlock support shoe' to help try to heal the cast/bandage sores he's developed on his fetlock during the healing of his tendon injury. (If this works - we just tried it last night - I can hardly wait to tell this one to the vets at Cornell!) The mouse pad has a perfect 'spongy' consistency far better than that of cotton/sheet bandages!
you answer and don't think twice about it when someone calls you your horse's name.
you see a cute guy walking down the street and you say he has a nice "hind end"
you'll drive an hour in a snowstorm to ride your horse, but God forbid you have to drive 1/2 hour to a friend's house for dinner.
your friends no longer ask to get together with you on a weekend afternoon because they know you'll say -- "I can't, I have to ride."
You go around a turn a tad too fast and you say "eeeeeeeeezzzzz girl".
Your husband goes to the doctor with an attack of bursitis and you find yourself telling your friends: The vet says he'll be off for a week....
when your sole purpose in buying a five pound coffee can is to use as a grain can.