For Guys with Horsey Girlfriends

To all those guys out there who have horsey girlfriends, I'd like to discuss a few things for the benefit of your on-going education. This may hurt a bit, but trust me...it's for your own good.

99.9 per cent of the time, we don't mean to ignore you. But if our horse is sick then that's all we're going to be thinking about until he's okay again. And if your car is playing up? Tough...get over it.

Giving me saddle shop vouchers instead of jewelry, flowers and chocolates will earn you extra brownie points. (Okay, maybe not the chocolates....)

If after four weeks you haven't learned to mix feed and remove blankets then your performance as a boyfriend will be considered lacking.

Horses do poop, smell, fart and slobber...but so you do.

Don't SMS me when I'm riding...do you know how distracting it is? It might upset my horse and cause an accident for goodness sakes!

Do not tell me my butt looks fat in jodhpurs. Ever. Do not watch me riding and tell me I need a spots bra. Ever. Do not laugh at my 'hat hair'. Ever.

IF we agree to go out on a 'date', get used to fact I will always be late and you will probably have to pay (horses are expensive you know!) I also can't help it if I leave a trail of straw wherever I go.

Owning a decent car able to tow horse trailers will definitely earn you extra brownie points.

If you have a relative who is (a) a farrier; (b) a vet or (c) a tack shop owner then I am going to marry you whether you like it or not.

If I manage to convert you to horses, don't think this means anything long-term. Sometimes the act of conversion is triumph enough.

If I think you have a bad haircut then then it would be in your best interests to remove yourself from my presence when I am clipping my horse.

The walls of our rooms will be covered in horse posters and every other available space in our entire homes will be covered with pictures of our horse...not you. Get over it.

Yes, I know it hurts like heck when a horse stands on your foot. Get over it. (Oh, and some of your toenails might drop off).

Lay so much as a finger on my pile of horse magazines and you are SO dead meat.

Lips that touch horse meat shall never touch mine.

My fingernails will always be ragged and black and I know your mum thinks they are disgusting. Tell her to get over it.

Yes, I probably DO love my horse more than you. Hmmm...you know what I'm going to say don't you......