It Takes All Kinds
Not all horses and riders are created equal. There are many different kinds of
equestrian activities, and each attracts a different personality. Here's a look
at some of the traits you're likely to find in several popular equestrian
fields.
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The Riders
Natural Horsemanship devotee looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch,
despite the fact that he grew up in the suburbs of NJ. Rope coiled loosely in
hand (don't want to send any messages of tension, after all) in case he needs to
herd any of those kids on rollerblades away from his/her F-350 dually in the
WalMart parking lot. Cowboy hat is strategically placed, and just soiled enough
to be cool. Wranglers are well worn, with that little wrinkle above the instep
of the ropers, and lots of dust (well, you know, from the round pen) on the
lower legs.
Dressage Queen is freshly coifed. Not even she remembers her own hair
color, but she has taken great pains to ensure that Rolf, the hairdresser, makes
the perm and highlights look "natural." Diamond studs are elegant and stately,
and not so large that they blind the judge during the entire passage-piaffe
tour. $30 dollar denim jumper worn over $300 full seat white breeches and custom
Koenigs.
Hunter/Jumper competitor is in an aqua polo and those breeches whose
color could be compared to, um, well, okay, let's say they're khaki. The polo is
so that folks will think they're a jumper rider until they put on their shirt
and stock tie. Baseball cap is mandatory after a ride, in order to provide free
advertising to that trainer's stable for whom they shell over a mere grand or so
per month, and to hide "helmet head."
Eventer is slightly hunched over. This could be from carrying three
saddles, three bridles, three bits, and all related color coordinated gear to
every event, or it could possibly be a defensive posture where he/she is
unconsciously protecting his/her wallet, which is, of course, nearly empty from
buying three saddles, three bridles, three bits and all related color
coordinated gear. Looked down on by the H/J's as "people who just run their
horses at fences" and by the DQ's as "not real dressage riders"c Eventers are
smugly convinced that they are in fact the only people in the horse world who
CAN ride, since the H/J's don't jump real fences and the DQ's don't ride real
horses.
Endurance addict is wearing lycra tights in some neon color. Has not read
the rule that lycra is a privilege, not a right. The shinier, the better, so
that they can find her body when her mount dumps her down (another) ravine.
Wearing hiking sneakers of some sort and a smear of trail dirt on the cheek.
Sporting one of the zillions of T-shirts she got for paying $75 to complete some
other torturous ride. Socks may or may not match (each other).
Backyard rider can be found wearing (in summer) shorts and bra, (in
winter) flannel nightgown, muck boots, down jacket. Drives a ford tempo filled
with dirty blankets and dog hair. Usually has deformed toes on the right foot
from being stepped on in the Walmart sneakers that are worn for riding. Roots
need touching up to hide the grey. 2-horse bumperpull behind barn filled with
sawdust/hay. Can be found trying to teach her horse to come in the kitchen to
eat so she doesn't have to walk all the way to the barn.
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The Horses
Rusty is the quintessential NH mount. Rescued from a situation where
he was never initiated in the NH ways, he'd learned to run down his owners at
feeding time, knock children from his back under low hanging branches, and could
even spit like a camel if provoked. The embezzlement has never been proven. The
hospitalization tally for his handlers was twelve until he met Spherical Sam.
After twelve minutes in the round pen, he is teaching algebra to high school
freshmen, speaks three language fluently, and can put on his own splint boots
(with Spherical Sam's trademark logo embossed clearly).
Fleistergeidelsprundheim ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is an 18-hand
warmblood who was bred to make Grand Prix in a European nation where his
breeders are still laughing hysterically when they talk about 'zat crazy
American.' Despite being runty, his owner fell in love with his lofty gaits,
proud carriage and tremendous athleticism. Never mind that this talent was not
revealed until he was chased down by a rabid raccoon, and has not been repeated
since. Has been injured sixteen times in the last year, preventing his move to
PSG at age 6, despite living in a 20' x 20' padded stall and providing family
supporting wages to a groom whose chief job duty is "don't let him get hurt!"
Neverbeenraced is a prime example of American Thoroughbred. The coat is
deep bay, no markings, the textbook TB head, and no unusual conformational
characteristics. Perfect, just perfect. Overcame a near fatal flaw in his H/J
career when he learned that the plants in the jumps are NOT real, and therefore
did not require him to stop and taste. Has learned to count strides all by
himself, and asks in midair which lead his mistress would like today.
Fastnhighasican is a Thoroughbred track reject who never won a single
race - perfect evener! He has two speeds, gallop and stopndump, and they are
used, at his discretion, for all three phases of eventing, although he has some
creative variations of gallop to spice up that boring dressage. There is the
gallopdowncenterlineandrear, the gallopdepartandbuck, the
extendedoutofhandgallop, and, a favorite among spectators, the
gallopzigzagpirouette in which the gallop is performed entirely while hopping on
his hind legs. His favorite phase is cross-country where all obstacles
regardless of size are jumped at the height of 5.5 feet, and because that is
where he gets to employ his personal favorite movement, the stopndump. This is
the most fun when performed at cross-country water obstacles where his person
invariably stands up soaking wet with murky, smelly water and threatens to sell
him to Fleistergeidel's owner while he follows up with another fun gallop
variation, the imfreeandyoucantcatchmegallop, another crowd-pleaser.
Al Kamar Raka Shazaam was often called "you bastard" until he found an
owner as hyper as he, an endurance addict. Can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a
360 and not lose his big trot rhythm or give up an inch to the horse behind him.
Has learned to eat, drink, pee and drop to his resting pulse rate on command.
Has compiled 3,450 AERC miles, with his rider compiling 3,445 -- those five
miles being the ones he was chased down the trail after performing his trademark
360 turn, without said aforementioned rider.
Snook'ums is the barkyard rider's horse. Big head; stride of a gerbil.
Duct tape holding shoe on until farrier gets out next month. Has a little qtr,
arab, standerdbred, tw, shetland blood. Mane cut with scissors straight across.
He's been there so long she forgot how she got him or where he came from.
Frequently seen ambling around the yard. Been known to join family picnics on
the back porch.
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Frequently Overheard
NH Devotee -- "Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!" "It's simple
horsemanship" "With this special twirly flickitat'em rope ($17.95 plus tax),
you'll be roundpenning like me in no time." "You silly human, that just ain't
natural for a horse."
Dressage Queen -- "Oh no, he's hurt again?!" "The check is in the mail."
To Herr Germanlastname: "Can't you tune up those one tempis for me?" To the
groom: "Get me that mounting block -- can't you see my nails are still wet?" To
the show manager: "That footing has ruined my chances at Olympic Gold in 2000,
I'll have you know." and "What were you thinking, stabling me next to that
nobody? That horse could be *diseased*?" To anyone who will listen: "When I had
dinner with Hilda / Lendon / Robert . . . "
H/J Competitor -- "Did you tell Neverbeenraced how many strides between
Fence Four and Fence Five -- I can never remember!" "Is my butt sticking out
enough when I post?" "Oh no, I can't jump 2'6", my trainer will KILL me!" "I
can't wait to do jumpers with Neverbeenraced -- then we can wear one of those
tasseled ear covers!"
Eventer -- "I broke my collarbone/ribs/ankle again last week, but I'll be
fine for the jog-up tomorrow." "How do you get pond water out of saddle
leather?" "Did you see our showjumping where Fastnhighasican bounced the two
stride combination?" "Did you see our final gallopdowncenterlineandrear? I think
he is finally starting to relax in dressage." "Oh, it's just a little
concussion. Have you seen my horse?" "OOOOHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIT"
Endurance Addict -- "Anyone have Advil?" "Anyone have food? -- I think
last year's Twinkies finally went bad." "For this pain, I spend money?" "Oh I
never bring hay or water to the vet checks -- there's always plenty around."
"Quick, quick, did you look, was his pee okay?" "Shazaam, you bastard -- it's
just a leaf [thud]!"
Backyard rider -- "It's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride." "I used to show."
"Where's my metamucil?" "Has anyone seen Snook'ems? last I saw him he was across
the road in the cornfield." "Here's a picture of Snook'ems when he was 43 years
young!" "Snook'ems stop slobbering on me."